Friday, October 28, 2011

"My Bridge Maker"

"Trust is the bridge from yesterday to tomorrow, built with planks of thanks.  Remembering frames up gratitude.  Gratitude lays out the planks of trust.  I can walk the planks--from known to unknown--and know:  He holds."   Ann Voskamp  writer of One Thousand Gifts

Isn't it great that God doesn't just hand you this life, walk away, and say, "There you go kid, hope you make it."  No, that's not the God I know.  He is gently leading us, building our trust bit by bit.  And, most of the time, He builds it through pain.  We wish it didn't have to be that way, but do we really want the control?  I don't. 

About 7 weeks ago, God began adding another story to His glory for me.  I suffered a massive bleed during my pregnancy, thought it was all over, but God had another plan.  We saw that little heart still beating.  Like my previous pregnancy with Ella, our 17 month old, I had developed a subchorionic hematoma, or in other words a huge blood clot in my womb.  I knew it was going to be a long road.  And, I knew that along the way, God would have some things He wanted me to know, some things He wanted to reveal to me, during this painful experience. 

After that appointment revealing the dreaded, ugly bloodclot, I have experienced weeks of the unknown.  You see, I don't know from one day to the next, what will happen with this pregnancy.  And, even though I can research all the horror stories, listen to the doctor's preparing me for the worst, and give in to the feelings of depression, I am choosing joy.  Why?  Because I have so much to be thankful for and God commands it of me.  "Give thanks to the Lord of lords.  His faithful love endures forever.  Give thanks to him who alone does might miracles.  His faithful love endures forever.  Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully.  His faithful love endures forever.  Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters.  His faithful love endures forever.  Give thanks to him who made the heavely lights- His faithful love endures forever.  (Psalm 136: 3-7). 

I can also give thanks for that baby that I want so badly to live, is moving and kicking.  "She" is a miracle from God.  He made her.  Yes, the ugly bloodclot is still there.  Seven weeks have gone by and it's still there.  But, I can rejoice that it has diminished some.  At each apppointment, I have prayed that God will give me a well, just as He gave Hagar.  "Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the LORD, who had spoken to her.  She said, "You are the God who sees me."  She also said, "Have I truly seen the One who sees me?'  so that well was named Beer-lahai-roi (which means "well of the Living One who sees me").  (Genesis 16: 13-14).  Even though Hagar had known God sees, she had forgotten.  Hagar was in a bad place.  She had been exiled and thought her son would die.  But, God saw her and had mercy on her.  I know God sees me.  God saw me when I was pregnant with Ella and had the same condition.  Yet, how easy it is to forget His goodness, to forget His healing.  The well is still there.  It's always there; there is always a well. 

Isn't it easy to give thanks during the good times?  That is our nature.  We want life to be comfortable and predictable.  But, I told God a long time ago that I wanted His will, not mine.  And, it's been a bumpy road.  There have been sick babies, times of strife, arguments, battles, and on and on.  But, there have also been really joyful, wonderful times.  You know, those moments that you wish you could just freeze.  They have been there too.  Life has been really full so far on this adventure with God.  And, even though I do not know the outcome of this pregnancy, I know the bridge maker.  I know I can follow Him over this bridge and He will hold.  And, I can give thanks;  I can be joyful for that.